You send a reasonable message. They reply with something aggressive, or twist your words, or just ignore you completely. Then you're sat there at 10pm drafting and redrafting a response, trying not to make it worse.
If co-parenting communication feels like walking through a minefield, you're not imagining it. Some people are just difficult to deal with. But how you communicate can make it slightly less awful.
Here are actual scripts you can copy and adapt.
The BIFF method (what therapists recommend)
Family therapists and mediators recommend something called BIFF communication for high-conflict situations. It stands for:
Brief. Keep it short. No essays, no explanations, no justifications.
Informative. Stick to facts and practical details.
Friendly. Neutral tone. Not cold, not warm. Just professional.
Firm. Clear request with a deadline. No room for misinterpretation.
The goal isn't to win the argument or make them understand your point of view. It's to get through the practical stuff with minimum drama.
Requesting a schedule change
You need to swap a day. Here's how to ask without opening a can of worms:
Script
"I'm asking to swap this Saturday [date] for next Saturday [date] because of [child]'s activity. Pick-up and drop-off times would stay the same. Please let me know by [date] if this works for you."
Notice what's not in there: no apology, no long explanation, no "I hope you don't mind." Just the request, the reason (one sentence), and a deadline.
When they reply aggressively
They've sent something hostile. Maybe they're blaming you, bringing up old arguments, or just being nasty. Here's how to respond:
Script
"I can see you're not happy with the suggestion. I won't engage in arguments. If this swap doesn't work, I'll keep to the current plan."
You're not matching their energy. You're not defending yourself. You're just stating what happens next and moving on.
If the message contains personal attacks:
Script
"I'll only respond to messages about arrangements for [child]. I won't respond to personal comments."
Or:
Script
"Your message contains personal criticism. I'm willing to discuss pick-up, drop-off and school matters. If you resend your message with just the practical details, I'll respond."
This draws a clear line without escalating.
When they ignore you
You've sent something reasonable and got nothing back. Silence can be just as frustrating as hostility.
Script (follow-up after 48-72 hours)
"I sent a message on [date] about [topic]. I haven't heard back. I'll assume [default plan] unless you let me know otherwise by [date]."
This puts the ball in their court without chasing. If they don't respond, you proceed with the default and you've got a record showing you tried.
Setting communication boundaries
If phone calls always end badly, or they message at all hours, you can set boundaries:
Script
"From now on I'll respond to messages about [child] by email or text only. I won't respond to phone calls or messages after 8pm unless it's an emergency involving [child]."
State it once, clearly, then stick to it. You don't need their agreement. You're just telling them how you'll operate.
If communication continues to be aggressive:
Script
"If communication continues to be aggressive, I will suggest using mediation or a parenting app to manage contact arrangements."
The broken record technique
Sometimes they'll try to drag you into a debate. They'll ask "why?" repeatedly, or pick apart your reasoning, or bring up things from months ago.
Don't engage. Just repeat your position calmly:
Example exchange
Them: "Why can't you just be flexible for once?"
You: "I've explained what works for me. Let me know if the swap works for you by Friday."
Them: "You're always so difficult about everything."
You: "Let me know about the swap by Friday."
You're not taking the bait. You're not defending yourself. You're just repeating the practical request until they either answer it or give up.
What to do with the emotional stuff
These scripts work because they remove emotion from the exchange. But that doesn't mean you don't feel things. You probably feel a lot.
The key is to process your emotions somewhere else. Vent to a friend, write in a journal, talk to a therapist. Don't do it in messages to your ex. That just gives them ammunition and keeps you hooked into conflict.
Think of messages to your ex like work emails about a shared project. Polite, factual, boring. Save the real conversations for people who actually care about your wellbeing.
Why written communication matters
Phone calls let things escalate quickly. Tone of voice gets misread. Things get said in the heat of the moment. And afterwards, there's no record of what was agreed.
Written communication (text, email, or a co-parenting app) gives you:
Time to think. You can draft, wait, edit, and send when you're calm.
A record. No more "I never said that." It's all there in writing.
Boundaries. You can respond on your schedule, not when they demand it.
Some parents find a dedicated co-parenting app useful for keeping everything in one place – Pick Up is one option, but the principle works with any written channel you both stick to.
If your ex insists on phone calls, you can simply say:
Script
"I find written communication works better for me. Please put that in a message and I'll respond."
You don't need to explain why. You're allowed to choose how you communicate.
