You've tried co-parenting. You've tried communicating. Every conversation turns into an argument. Every handover leaves you drained. Every text thread becomes toxic. And your child is caught in the middle of conflict that never ends.
If traditional co-parenting isn't working, parallel parenting might be the answer. It's not giving up. It's a structured approach that protects everyone – including your child – from ongoing conflict.
What parallel parenting actually means
Co-parenting assumes parents can communicate regularly, share information freely, make joint decisions, and sometimes attend events together. It requires a reasonable working relationship.
Parallel parenting is for when that's not possible. Parents minimise direct contact, handle day-to-day matters separately in their own homes, and only share essential information. Two separate households, two separate parenting approaches, minimal overlap.
The goal isn't to have a good relationship with your ex. It's to stop the conflict from hurting your child.
Is parallel parenting right for you?
Parallel parenting is typically recommended when:
Communication is consistently hostile. Despite trying different approaches, messages always turn into arguments. Attempts at cooperation make things worse, not better.
One or both parents feel unsafe or constantly stressed. If contact with your ex leaves you anxious, angry, or unable to function, that's affecting your parenting.
Your child is suffering from the conflict more than from having two different households. Kids can handle different rules at different houses. They struggle much more with parents who can't stop fighting.
Parallel parenting isn't ideal. Children generally do better when their parents can cooperate. But in high-conflict situations, reducing the conflict matters more than maintaining the appearance of co-parenting.
How it works in practice
A detailed parenting plan. Everything is spelled out in advance: exact days and times of contact, handover locations, holiday arrangements, who decides what. The more detail, the less room for disagreement.
Written communication only. No phone calls, no unscheduled conversations at handovers. Everything goes through text, email, or a co-parenting app. This creates a record and removes the heat-of-the-moment escalation that phone calls allow.
Only child-related topics. No discussion of personal lives, new partners, finances (beyond child expenses), or the past. If it's not directly about the child's health, education, or logistics, it doesn't get discussed.
Business-like tone. Think "work email about a shared project" rather than "message to someone you used to be married to." Short, factual, polite. Nothing personal.
Each parent decides in their own home. Bedtimes, meals, screen time, household rules – each parent handles these independently during their time. You stop trying to coordinate the small stuff.
Separate spaces. Separate parents' evening appointments. Separate contact with the school. Maybe even separate birthday parties if joint ones cause too much tension.
Example parenting plan clauses
If you're setting up a parallel parenting arrangement, these are the kinds of things to include:
Communication clause
"All communication about [child] will be by email, text or co-parenting app only, limited to contact arrangements, health, education and emergencies."
Day-to-day decisions clause
"Each parent is responsible for day-to-day parenting decisions during their time, including bedtimes, meals, activities and household rules."
Events clause
"Parents will not attend the same school events or activities unless both agree in writing in advance."
What messages look like
In parallel parenting, messages are short and factual. No emotion, no explanations, no negotiation.
Schedule confirmation
"Pick-up on Friday is 5pm outside the school office. I will be there."
Health update
"GP has prescribed [medication]. Dose is [x]. Please confirm you've received this and let me know if there are any side-effects during your time."
That's it. No small talk, no commentary, no bringing up other issues. Handle one thing, then stop.
What parallel parenting isn't
It's not no contact. You still share essential information about your child. You still coordinate the big stuff (major health decisions, education). You're just doing it in a structured, minimal way.
It's not giving up on your child. You're still both parenting. You're just doing it in separate spaces rather than trying to do it together.
It's not forever. Some families move from parallel parenting back to co-parenting as conflict reduces over time. Others stay parallel permanently. Both are fine.
Making it work
Use a co-parenting app or dedicated channel. Having one place for all communication helps. It keeps everything separate from your personal texts and emails, creates a record, and makes it easier to maintain boundaries. Pick Up is one option, but any dedicated written channel works – the key is keeping co-parenting communication separate from everything else.
Stick to the plan. The whole point of detailed arrangements is to avoid negotiation. When they ask for a last-minute change, you can say "that's not in our agreement" without it becoming a fight.
Let go of what happens at their house. Unless it's a safeguarding issue, stop trying to control how they parent. Different rules at different houses is okay. Your child will adapt.
Get support. Parallel parenting can feel lonely. A therapist, support group, or trusted friends can help you process the difficult feelings that come with accepting this is how things need to be.
It's not failure
Moving to parallel parenting can feel like admitting defeat. You wanted to be the kind of separated family that gets along, does Christmas together, sits side by side at sports day.
But if attempts at that are causing constant conflict, you're not protecting your child by keeping trying. You're protecting them by stepping back, reducing the drama, and giving them two calm, separate homes instead of one ongoing war.
Parallel parenting is a realistic response to a difficult situation. It's choosing peace over the appearance of cooperation. And for many families, it's what works.
