"Something came up." "Can we swap days?" "I can't make it this weekend."
You're constantly rearranging your life around their last-minute changes. Your plans get cancelled. Your child gets disappointed. And you're left feeling like you can't rely on anything being fixed.
If your ex keeps moving things around at the last minute, here's how to set boundaries that actually stick.
Why it keeps happening
Some co-parents change plans because their life is genuinely chaotic. Shift work, unpredictable jobs, caring for elderly relatives. It's frustrating, but it's not deliberate.
Others use last-minute changes as a form of control. If you can never plan ahead, they're always in charge of your time. Every change keeps you off-balance.
And some just haven't faced any consequences for being unreliable. If you've always accommodated their changes, why would they stop?
Knowing which you're dealing with helps you respond appropriately.
Set a clear notice period
The first step is to establish how much notice is reasonable for changes. Somewhere between 48 hours and a week, depending on your circumstances.
Setting the boundary
"Going forward, I need at least 48 hours notice for any changes to contact, except genuine emergencies. This helps me plan and means [child] knows what to expect."
Put it in writing. Text or email. Not a phone call that can be denied later.
Define what counts as an emergency
If you say "except emergencies," be specific about what you mean. Otherwise every change becomes an emergency.
Defining emergencies
"An emergency means hospital, serious illness, or something involving [child]'s immediate safety. Work things coming up or double-booking yourself doesn't count."
This stops them redefining every inconvenience as urgent.
What to say when they ask for a last-minute change
When the request comes in, keep your response short and neutral:
If you can accommodate it
"I can do that this time. In future I need 48 hours notice for changes."
If you can't accommodate it
"That doesn't work for me with this little notice. Let's stick to the original plan."
If they push back
"I've explained what I can work with. The original plan stands."
No long explanations. No apologies. No negotiation. Just state what you can do and move on.
Stop over-accommodating
If you've been saying yes to everything, it's time to stop. Every time you rearrange your life for a last-minute change, you teach them that boundaries don't apply.
This doesn't mean being inflexible. Genuine emergencies happen. Occasional swaps are normal. But if it's happening every week, something's wrong.
Start saying no to things that aren't genuine emergencies, even if you technically could accommodate them. The pattern needs to break.
Use a shared calendar
One of the best ways to reduce last-minute chaos is to have everything in one place where both of you can see it.
A shared calendar (whether it's Google Calendar, a co-parenting app like Pick Up, or anything else you both agree on) means:
No more "I didn't know." The arrangement is visible to both of you. There's nothing to misremember.
Changes are logged. If they keep requesting changes, there's a record. If you're asked later why contact didn't happen, you've got it documented.
Less back-and-forth. Instead of texts flying around, everything lives in one place. Check the calendar, confirm, done.
Protect your child from the chaos
Kids do better with predictability. When plans keep changing, they feel anxious and unsettled.
Where possible, shield them from the uncertainty. Don't tell them about contact until it's confirmed. If something gets cancelled, keep your explanation simple and blame-free.
When a visit gets cancelled
"Dad can't make it this weekend. I know that's disappointing. Let's do something nice together instead."
No editorialising, no "he's let you down again." Just acknowledge the disappointment and move on.
Document the pattern
Keep a simple record of what was agreed and what actually happened. Date, original plan, what changed, how much notice they gave.
You might never need it. But if things escalate and you need to involve mediation or legal advice, having a clear record of the pattern is invaluable.
When to escalate
If setting boundaries hasn't worked and the chaos is significantly affecting your child or your life, consider:
Mediation. A neutral third party can help you agree a more structured arrangement and make it feel more binding.
Putting it in writing formally. A clear parenting plan that both of you sign, even if it's not a court order, creates more accountability than verbal agreements.
Legal advice. If they're consistently breaching a court order or formal agreement, you may need to understand your options.
But start with clear boundaries and consistent responses. Often that's enough to shift the dynamic.
