They walk through the door and it's like a different child. Maybe they're hyper and won't settle. Maybe they're tearful and clingy. Maybe they're rude, angry, slamming doors. And you're left wondering what on earth happened at the other house.
If your child comes back from contact dysregulated, unsettled, or emotionally all over the place, you're not imagining it. It's one of the most common things separated parents notice. And it doesn't necessarily mean something bad happened.
Here's what's actually going on, and what helps.
Why transitions are hard
Child psychologists call handover times "trigger points." Moving between two homes is emotionally demanding, even when both homes are good, safe places.
Your child has to say goodbye to one parent, adjust to different routines, different rules, different household rhythms. Then they have to do it all again a few days later. That's exhausting for anyone, let alone a child who's still learning to regulate their emotions.
The meltdown you see isn't necessarily about what happened at Dad's house. It's often a stress response to the transition itself. They've been holding it together all weekend, and now they're back somewhere safe, so they let it all out.
Think of it as them saving their worst behaviour for the person they feel safest with. It's a backhanded compliment, even if it doesn't feel like one.
The "wobble window"
Expect a wobble window after handover. For most kids, this is 30 minutes to a couple of hours where they're emotionally wobbly, sensitive, or difficult.
During this time, don't expect much from them. Don't launch into homework, chores, or difficult conversations. Just let them land.
What actually helps
Have a landing routine. Something predictable that happens every time they come home. It might be a snack in the car, 20 minutes of TV, a bath, or just quiet time in their room. The sameness is calming. They know what to expect.
Food and drink first. Hungry, tired, dehydrated kids are dysregulated kids. A snack and a drink often helps more than talking.
Low-demand activities. Let them do something that doesn't require much from them: Lego, drawing, watching something familiar, playing in the garden. Save the homework and the conversations for later.
Stay calm yourself. If you're visibly stressed or anxious about how they're behaving, they'll pick up on it. Take a breath. This is temporary.
What to say
Keep it simple and validating. You don't need to fix anything or understand everything. Just acknowledge what they're feeling.
Helpful phrases
"It looks like you've had a big day. It's okay to feel a lot of feelings when you switch houses."
If they're upset but won't talk
"You don't have to tell me everything. If you want to talk about it later, I'm here."
If they're having a meltdown
"Your feelings aren't too much for me. We'll figure out what helps you feel safe again."
The goal is to make them feel seen without pressure. They don't have to explain or justify their feelings. They just have to know you can handle whatever they're going through.
What NOT to say
Don't interrogate. "What did he say? Who was there? What did you eat? Did she say anything about me?"
This puts your child in the middle. It increases their anxiety and their sense of divided loyalty. Even if you're genuinely curious, resist the urge to dig.
Don't criticise the other parent. "Your dad always winds you up" or "This wouldn't happen if she actually parented properly."
Your child loves both of you. Criticising their other parent makes them feel they have to choose sides, which is incredibly stressful.
Don't punish the meltdown. "If you're going to be rude every time you come back, maybe you shouldn't go."
Unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns, using contact as a threat makes everything worse. They need to feel that both homes are stable, not that their behaviour determines whether they see their other parent.
Give it time
For most children, the wobble window shortens over time. As they get used to the routine of switching houses, transitions become less overwhelming.
Consistency helps. If handovers happen at the same time, in the same way, with the same landing routine at your house, their nervous system starts to learn that this is manageable. It's the unpredictability that keeps them on edge.
When to be concerned
Normal transition difficulty looks like: temporary meltdowns, clinginess, being tired or grumpy, testing boundaries when they first get home.
Signs something more might be going on: persistent fear about going to the other house, physical symptoms before contact (stomach aches, not sleeping), behaviour that doesn't settle even hours after coming home, things they say that concern you about their safety.
If you're worried, trust your instincts. Talk to your GP, school, or a child therapist. Don't just ignore it, but also don't assume the worst without reason.
You're doing okay
Watching your child struggle with transitions is hard. You want to fix it. You want to know what's happening when they're not with you. You want them to be happy.
But you can't control what happens at the other house. What you can do is make your house a safe place to land. Predictable, calm, low-pressure when they need it to be. That's enough.
The wobble window isn't a sign of failure. It's a normal part of life with two homes. And you being there, staying calm, letting them feel their feelings without judgement? That's exactly what they need.
