Why checklists help
Separation is overwhelming. In the space of a few weeks, you go from one household to two. You are dealing with your own emotions, your child's emotions, practical logistics, legal questions, financial changes, and the constant low-level anxiety of not knowing whether you are doing any of this right.
Your brain is full. You are making dozens of decisions a day that you have never had to make before, and you are doing it while running on very little sleep and a lot of stress.
Checklists take the thinking out of practical stuff. They do not solve the emotional side of things, but they do mean you are less likely to forget something important during a period when forgetting things is completely normal. Print them, save them to your phone, or just read through them once so you know what is coming.
First 30 days after separating
The first month after separating is the most disorienting. There is a lot to sort out and it is hard to know where to start. This checklist covers the practical things that matter most in the first few weeks. You do not need to do everything at once. Work through it at your own pace.
First 30 days checklist
- Tell your child's school or nursery about the change in circumstances — provide both parents' contact details so the school can reach either of you for emergencies, reports, and parents' evenings
- Agree emergency contacts and share key medical information with your co-parent — GP surgery, NHS number, allergies, current medications, and any ongoing treatments
- Set up a temporary schedule for when the children are with each parent — even a rough one reduces uncertainty for everyone, especially the children
- Choose a main communication channel (a co-parenting app, email, or text) and agree on response expectations — for example, non-urgent messages answered within 24 hours
- Inform HMRC about your change in circumstances — this affects tax credits, child benefit, and Universal Credit. Do this promptly to avoid overpayments you will have to repay later
- Update your landlord or mortgage provider if your housing situation is changing — you may need to remove a name from a tenancy or discuss mortgage options
- Register with a GP if you have moved to a new area — and make sure your child is registered at a surgery accessible from both homes if possible
- Update your child's medical records if they now have two addresses — make sure appointment letters and vaccination reminders reach the right parent
- Tell key family members and close friends so they can support you — you do not need to explain everything, but having people who know what is happening makes a real difference
- Open your own bank account if you shared one — you need financial independence as soon as possible, even if you are still sorting out the details of who pays for what
- Check if you are entitled to any additional benefits — use the GOV.UK benefits calculator to see what support is available based on your new circumstances
- Start keeping a simple record of who has the children and when — a shared calendar, a notebook, or a co-parenting app all work. This protects both parents and helps establish a pattern
- If you need legal advice, many family solicitors offer a free 30-minute initial consultation — use this to understand your rights and options before committing to anything
You will not get to everything on this list in the first week, and that is fine. The point is to have it written down so you can come back to it when you are ready. Some of these things, like informing HMRC and your child's school, are genuinely time-sensitive. Others, like finding a solicitor, can wait a few weeks if they need to.
Handover checklist
Handovers are the moment when co-parenting becomes most visible. They are also, for many families, the most stressful part of the week. A good handover is quick, calm, and focused on the child. A bad one leaves everyone upset.
This checklist covers what to prepare and how to handle the handover itself. It works whether you are doing the dropping off or the picking up.
What to pack and prepare
- School bag packed with homework, reading book, PE kit, and anything else needed for the next school day
- School uniform — clean, labelled, and complete. If your child has PE on Monday, make sure the kit goes with them on Sunday
- Comfort items — their favourite toy, blanket, or whatever helps them settle in at the other home. These matter more than you might think
- Medicines with clear written instructions — include the dose, timing, and what the medicine is for. Do not assume the other parent remembers from last time
- Any items that belong to the other home — return them promptly. Holding onto the other parent's belongings, even accidentally, creates unnecessary tension
- A note of upcoming dates — school events, appointments, playdates, club sessions, birthday parties. A quick list saves a dozen messages later
At the handover
- Give a brief, child-focused update — something like "She slept well, had a good day at school, homework is done." Keep it factual and positive
- Keep the handover short — a long goodbye makes it harder for the child. A quick hug, a confident "have a great time," and you are done
- Save difficult conversations for later — if you need to discuss something with your co-parent, send a message afterwards. The handover is not the time
- Say goodbye confidently — children pick up on your anxiety. If you seem worried or upset about them going, they will feel worried too. Even if it is hard, project calm
- Do not interrogate the child afterwards — resist the urge to ask detailed questions about what happened at the other house. Let them tell you in their own time
The best handovers are boring. Same time, same place, same routine. The less eventful, the better it is for your child.
Making handovers easier
If handovers are a source of stress, there are practical things you can do to take the heat out of them:
Same time, same place, same routine. Predictability is your best tool. When everyone knows exactly what happens and when, there is less room for things to go wrong. If you are doing handovers at 5pm on Fridays, stick to that every week.
Use a neutral location if being at each other's home causes tension. A car park near the school, a supermarket car park, or a local landmark all work. The point is to remove the emotional charge that comes with being at someone's front door. Some parents use school itself as the handover point — one parent drops off in the morning, the other picks up in the afternoon.
Do not interrogate the child about what happened at the other house. It is natural to be curious, but children feel caught in the middle when they are questioned by one parent about the other. Let them share things when they are ready, and respond calmly when they do.
Expect some transition time. It is completely normal for children to need 30 to 60 minutes to settle in when they arrive at the other home. They might be quiet, clingy, or a bit unsettled. This is not a sign that something is wrong. It is their way of adjusting. Give them space and a low-key first hour — a snack, some downtime, familiar surroundings.
If handovers are high-conflict, consider alternatives. If face-to-face handovers regularly involve arguments, you have options. A contact centre can supervise the handover in a safe, neutral environment. A trusted third person — a grandparent, family friend, or someone both parents trust — can act as the go-between. These are not signs of failure. They are sensible steps to protect your child from conflict.
What to do when things go wrong
Even with the best intentions, things go wrong. Items get lost. Handovers get heated. Routines slip. Here is how to handle the most common problems:
If items keep going missing between homes, build in a buffer. Buy duplicate essentials — a toothbrush, pyjamas, and basic toiletries at each home. For things that cannot be duplicated (school shoes, a favourite toy), put them in a clearly labelled bag that travels with the child. Accept that some things will go missing and factor that into your budget rather than letting it become a source of conflict every week.
If handovers are consistently hostile, change the location. Switch to a neutral public place where both parents are less likely to escalate. If that is not enough, use the school handover method where one parent drops off and the other picks up, so you never need to see each other at all. If conflict is severe, look into supported handovers through a contact centre.
Keep a factual log. If things are repeatedly going wrong, keep a simple record: date, time, what happened. Write it in neutral language — facts, not feelings. This is not about building a case against your co-parent. It is about having an accurate record if you ever need to discuss patterns with a mediator, solicitor, or the court. A log that says "15 Jan, 5.10pm, handover was 40 minutes late, no message sent" is far more useful than a log that says "He was late AGAIN because he doesn't care."
Mediation can help establish handover protocols. If you and your co-parent cannot agree on how handovers should work, a mediator can help you put a clear protocol in place. This covers timing, location, what information is shared, and what happens if someone is running late. Having it written down and agreed by both sides removes most of the friction.
You cannot control what happens at the other home. You can control what happens at yours and how you handle the transitions between them. Focus on that.