Why communication is the hardest part
You already know this. Every message you send to your co-parent feels loaded. You re-read it three times before pressing send. You second-guess whether it sounds too cold, too friendly, too demanding, or too passive. And when a reply comes back that misreads your tone or ignores what you said entirely, the frustration can be overwhelming.
You are not imagining how difficult this is. Communication after separation is genuinely one of the hardest things you will ever do, because you are trying to work cooperatively with someone while carrying the weight of everything that came before. History, hurt, and habit all get in the way of a simple conversation about who is collecting the children on Thursday.
The good news is that communication is a skill. It can be learned, practised, and improved. And it does not require both of you to be perfect. If even one parent shifts toward calmer, more structured messaging, the whole dynamic often starts to change.
This toolkit gives you word-for-word scripts you can adapt to your own situation. They are not magic phrases. They are starting points — grounded, child-focused, and designed to lower the temperature of difficult conversations.
The golden rules
Before you use any script, it helps to have a few principles in mind. These are not about being the bigger person or pretending everything is fine. They are practical strategies that protect you and your children from the fallout of high-conflict communication.
- Keep it short and factual. Say what needs to be said and stop. Long messages give the other person more material to pick apart or misinterpret. If you can say it in two sentences instead of ten, do that.
- Use a business-like tone. Imagine a judge, a mediator, or a social worker reading every message. If you would not be comfortable with that audience, rewrite it. This is not about being robotic — it is about being clear and respectful.
- Keep it child-focused. Every message should pass a simple test: is this about the children? If the answer is no, it probably does not need to be sent. Conversations about your past relationship, each other's new partners, or who did what are not helpful and will nearly always escalate.
- Do not respond in the moment if you are angry. There is no rule that says you must reply immediately. If a message makes your stomach drop or your pulse race, put the phone down. Come back to it in an hour, or a day. A delayed reply is almost always better than a reactive one.
- Use a dedicated channel. Mixing co-parenting messages with personal texts makes everything harder. A dedicated co-parenting app or tool — like Pick Up — gives you a clear space for practical arrangements and keeps everything in one searchable place.
Script: Proposing a new schedule
Whether you want to adjust the regular routine, suggest something for school holidays, or propose a change that reflects your child's growing needs, how you raise it matters as much as what you are proposing. Lead with the child's needs, not your preferences.
Hi [Name], I've been thinking about what would work best for [Child]. I'd like to suggest we try [outline schedule] for the next [time period] and then review how it's working. Are you open to discussing this?
Why this works: It centres the child. It proposes something specific rather than vague. It includes a review period, which makes it feel less permanent and more collaborative. And it ends with an open question rather than a demand.
If your co-parent responds with a flat no, resist the urge to argue. You could follow up with something like: "I understand you're not keen on that. Would you be open to suggesting an alternative that works for both of us? I'm happy to look at different options."
Script: Responding to a hostile message
This is the one most people need. You open your phone and there it is — a message that is aggressive, sarcastic, blaming, or just plain nasty. Your heart rate spikes. You want to fire back. Do not do it.
Wait. Breathe. Then respond to the practical content only. If there is no practical content, you may not need to respond at all.
I can see this is frustrating. I'd like us to focus on arrangements that work for [Child]. Let's keep our messages to practical information about times, dates and plans.
Why this works: It acknowledges the other person's feelings without agreeing with the attack. It redirects to what matters. And it sets a clear expectation about what future messages should look like. You are not engaging with the hostility, but you are not ignoring it either.
If hostility continues, you do not need to keep responding. Repeated abuse should be documented. If you are using a co-parenting tool, the messages are already saved. If the behaviour becomes threatening or harassing, speak to a solicitor or contact the police.
Script: Setting a boundary
Boundaries are not about punishing the other parent. They are about protecting your wellbeing so you can be the best parent you can be. If your co-parent repeatedly drags conversations into personal territory, you have every right to draw a line.
I'm happy to discuss things that directly affect [Child]. I'm not willing to discuss our past relationship. If the conversation moves away from [Child], I'll pause and come back to it when we can focus on them.
Why this works: It is clear without being aggressive. It states what you will do (engage on child matters, pause when things go off track) rather than what the other person must do. You are not trying to control them — you are explaining how you will respond. That is a boundary, not an ultimatum.
The key is following through. If you say you will pause, actually pause. Do not get drawn back in. Consistency is what makes boundaries effective.
Script: Asking to be included in decisions
Finding out that your child has been signed up for a new school, started a medical treatment, or joined an expensive activity — all without anyone mentioning it to you — is one of the most painful experiences in co-parenting. If you have parental responsibility, you have a right to be involved in important decisions.
I'd like us both to be involved in important decisions about [Child] — school, health, activities. Please let me know before any major changes so we can agree a plan together.
Why this works: It is specific about the types of decisions you mean. It is forward-looking rather than accusatory. It does not say "you should have told me" — it says "let's agree to include each other going forward." That framing is much more likely to get a reasonable response.
If decisions continue to be made without you, keep a record. A pattern of exclusion from significant decisions is something that mediators and courts take seriously.
Script: Proposing mediation
If you have been going round in circles on the same issue for weeks or months, mediation can break the deadlock. A trained, neutral mediator helps both parents talk through the sticking points and work toward an agreement. In England and Wales, you are usually expected to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before applying to court anyway.
We seem to be going round in circles on this. I'd like us to agree a clear plan for [issue]. I'm open to mediation so we can have a neutral person help us find a child-focused solution.
Why this works: It does not blame. It names the problem (going in circles) without pointing the finger. It frames mediation as a positive step, not a punishment. And it keeps the child at the centre.
If your co-parent refuses mediation, you have still shown willingness to engage constructively. That matters if things ever go further. You can contact the National Family Mediation service to find an accredited mediator near you.
Things to avoid
Knowing what not to do is just as important as having the right words. These are the patterns that escalate conflict, harm children, and undermine your own position if things ever end up in court.
- Name-calling, threats, or sarcasm. Even if the other parent does it. You cannot control their behaviour, but you can control yours. Every message you send is a reflection of you.
- Long rants rehashing the past. The relationship is over. Relitigating what happened in 2019 will not change the co-parenting arrangements in 2026. Stay in the present.
- Using children as messengers. "Tell your dad he needs to pay me" puts your child in an impossible position. Children should never be the go-between for adult business.
- CC'ing solicitors on every message. Unless you are in active legal proceedings or have been advised to do so, copying in a solicitor on routine messages is provocative and expensive. It signals that you see the other parent as an adversary, not a co-parent.
- Responding immediately when angry. This bears repeating. The message you draft in the first five minutes after reading something hurtful is almost never the message you should send. Sleep on it. Edit it. Then send it.
When nothing works
Sometimes, no matter how calm, clear, and child-focused you are, the other parent will not engage constructively. They ignore your messages. They respond with abuse. They refuse mediation. They make unilateral decisions. If you have tried everything in this toolkit and the situation is not improving, it does not mean you have failed. It means you may need a different approach.
Parallel parenting
Parallel parenting is an arrangement where both parents remain involved in the child's life but disengage from each other as much as possible. Communication is limited to essentials only, often through a co-parenting app or a shared document. There is no expectation of collaboration or friendliness — just clear, minimal contact about practical arrangements.
This is not giving up. It is a realistic strategy for high-conflict situations that protects your children from ongoing parental warfare. You can read more in our guide to parallel parenting.
Getting professional support
If communication has broken down entirely, these services can help:
- National Family Mediation (NFM) — free mediation assessments and subsidised sessions across England and Wales
- Cafcass — the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, involved when cases reach the family court
- Family solicitors — if you need legal advice, look for a Resolution-accredited solicitor who commits to a non-confrontational approach
You do not have to do this alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — it is a sign that you are serious about making things better for your children.