Helping Your Child Cope With Separation — By Age

The truth about children and separation

If you are reading this, you are probably worried about your child. That worry is completely normal, and the fact that you are looking for guidance says something good about you as a parent. So let us start with the most important thing the research tells us.

Most children adjust well to their parents' separation. That is not wishful thinking — it is what decades of evidence consistently shows. The majority of children whose parents separate do not develop long-term psychological problems. They feel sad, confused, and sometimes angry in the short term. But with the right support, they adapt.

The research is equally clear about what does cause lasting harm: ongoing conflict between parents. It is not the separation itself. It is not having two homes. It is not even the initial upheaval. What hurts children most — and what can lead to genuine long-term difficulty — is being caught in the middle of parents who cannot stop fighting.

That means the single most important thing you can do for your child right now is to keep conflict away from them. Everything else in this guide flows from that principle.

Core principles (all ages)

Before we look at age-specific guidance, these fundamentals apply to every child, whether they are two or sixteen.

Reassure them it is not their fault

Children are egocentric thinkers, especially younger ones. They naturally assume that things happen because of them. Your child may believe, even without saying it, that something they did caused the separation. They need to hear — clearly, directly, and more than once — that this is something between the adults. They did not cause it. They cannot fix it. And it is not their responsibility.

Keep routines stable

When the big things in a child's life are changing, the small things become anchors. Same bedtime. Same school run. Same Wednesday football practice. Routine tells a child that the world is still predictable, even when it feels like everything is shifting. Wherever possible, keep the rhythms of their life intact.

Never ask them to take sides or carry messages

This one can be subtle. It is not just about saying "Tell your mum she needs to sort out the money." It is also about the sigh when their name is mentioned. The raised eyebrow when they say they had a good time at the other house. Children pick up on all of it, and when they sense that one parent disapproves of the other, they feel caught. That is a burden no child should carry.

Both parents matter

Unless there are genuine safety concerns, your child needs a relationship with both parents. Whatever you think of your co-parent as a partner, your child's relationship with them is separate from yours. Bad-mouthing the other parent does not make children closer to you. It makes them feel disloyal, anxious, and conflicted. Bite your tongue. Vent to a friend, a therapist, or a diary — not to your child.

Let them feel their feelings

When your child says "I'm sad" or "I'm angry" or "I wish things were different," the temptation is to fix it. To explain why the separation had to happen, or to immediately distract them. Resist that urge. What children need most in those moments is to feel heard. "I know this is hard. It's okay to feel sad about it. I'm here." That is enough. You do not need to take the sadness away — you just need to be with them in it.

Under 5s

Very young children do not understand what separation means in an abstract sense, but they absolutely feel the change. They notice when someone who used to be there at bedtime is not there any more. They pick up on tension between adults. And they express their distress through behaviour rather than words.

What to say

Keep explanations simple, concrete, and repetitive. Young children need to hear things many times before they sink in. Use language they can understand.

You may need to say a version of this dozens of times. That is normal. Each time, you are reinforcing the message that they are safe, loved, and not to blame.

What to do

• Physical comfort and closeness. Extra cuddles, sitting together, reading stories. Under-5s regulate their emotions through physical contact with their caregivers.
• Keep goodbyes short and confident. Drawn-out, tearful handovers teach children that transitions are scary. A warm, brief goodbye with a clear "I'll see you on Thursday" is much more reassuring.
• Let familiar objects travel with them. A blanket, a toy, a photo — something that belongs to the child and goes between both homes. It is a small thing that provides real comfort.
• Consistency between homes. As much as you can, keep bedtimes, mealtimes, and routines similar in both houses. Young children thrive on predictability.

What to expect

Some regression is entirely normal. A child who was sleeping through the night may start waking up. A child who was dry may start having accidents. A child who was confident at nursery may become clingy at drop-off. This is their way of telling you they need extra reassurance. It does not mean something is seriously wrong. Meet the regression with patience, not panic. In most cases, it passes within a few weeks or months as the child settles into the new routine.

Ages 6–11

Primary school-age children understand more about what separation means. They know that families come in different shapes, and many of their friends may have separated parents. But understanding does not mean they find it easy. This age group often carries a particular kind of sadness — they may harbour fantasies about their parents getting back together, and they may feel a strong pull to "fix" things.

What to say

Be honest and clear about what is changing and what is staying the same. Children in this age group need concrete information, not vague reassurances.

• "You'll still go to the same school and see your friends."
• "You'll spend time with both of us every week — here's how it's going to work."
• "You can always ask us questions. There are no wrong questions."

Invite their questions, but do not overshare adult details. They do not need to know about infidelity, money disputes, or the reasons the relationship broke down. Those are adult matters. What they need to know is the practical reality of their life going forward.

What to watch for

• Changes in school performance. A sudden drop in concentration, missing homework, or teachers flagging behavioural changes. Let the school know what is happening at home — they can provide extra support.
• Friendship changes. Some children withdraw socially. Others become overly reliant on one friend. Reassure them that their friendships and activities will continue.
• The "responsible one" trap. Some children in this age group cope by becoming hyper-responsible — looking after younger siblings, tidying the house, trying to make everything okay. While this may seem helpful, it is a child taking on an adult role, and it needs gentle but firm pushback. "It's not your job to look after me. I'm the grown-up. You just need to be a kid."

Ages 12+

Teenagers are often assumed to cope better because they understand more. In reality, adolescence is already a time of enormous emotional, social, and identity upheaval. Parental separation on top of that can be particularly destabilising, even if your teenager acts like they do not care.

What to say

Teenagers respond well to being spoken to honestly and treated as someone whose opinion matters. You can be more open with them about the broad strokes — "We've tried to make it work and we can't" — without going into hurtful specifics.

It is appropriate to involve them in some practical discussions. Where would they prefer to keep their things? How do they feel about the proposed schedule? What matters to them? But there is an important boundary here: they are still the child. Involving them in practical decisions is not the same as making them your confidant, your emotional support, or the person who decides the custody arrangement.

What to watch for

• Withdrawal. Spending more time alone, pulling away from family, becoming secretive. Some of this is normal teenage behaviour — but a sudden increase after separation is worth paying attention to.
• Anger. Directed at one or both parents, at siblings, at the situation in general. Anger in teenagers is very often sadness wearing a different mask. Do not take it personally — but do take it seriously.
• Risky behaviour. Increased alcohol or drug use, skipping school, reckless behaviour. These can be signs that a teenager is struggling to process what is happening and is looking for an escape.
• Taking sides. Teenagers sometimes align strongly with one parent and reject the other. This is painful for everyone, but pressuring them to change usually backfires. Keep the door open, stay consistent, and give it time.

Respect their experience

Your teenager's relationship with each parent is their own. They may see things differently from how you see them. They may have opinions that feel unfair to you. That is their right. What they need from you is a safe relationship where they can express themselves without being told they are wrong for feeling the way they do.

Signs they are struggling

Every child reacts differently, and some degree of upset is expected and healthy. But certain changes may indicate that your child needs more support than you alone can provide. Look out for:

• Significant changes in sleep or eating. Difficulty falling asleep, nightmares, loss of appetite, or comfort eating that goes beyond a few difficult weeks.
• Regression. Bedwetting in a child who was dry, clinginess in a child who was independent, baby talk in an older child. Regression is a stress response, not defiance.
• School problems. Dropping grades, trouble concentrating, conflict with teachers or peers, refusing to go to school.
• Emotional shifts. Persistent anger, withdrawal from family and friends, excessive people-pleasing (trying to keep everyone happy all the time), or a noticeable flatness where there used to be energy and joy.

When to get extra help

Asking for help does not mean you are failing. It means you are paying attention to what your child needs and being honest about the limits of what you can provide on your own. Here are the main routes to support in the UK.

School

Your child's school can be a powerful source of support. Let them know what is happening. The class teacher, pastoral team, or SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) can keep an extra eye on your child, offer them time to talk, and flag any concerns early. Many schools also have access to counsellors or emotional wellbeing workers.

GP and CAMHS

If you are concerned about your child's mental health, your GP is the starting point. They can assess whether a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) is appropriate. CAMHS provides specialist support for children with more significant emotional or psychological difficulties. Waiting times vary by area, so it is worth starting the process sooner rather than later if you are worried.

Helplines and charities

These services are free, confidential, and staffed by people who understand what families are going through.

• NSPCC Helpline — 0808 800 5000. For any adult concerned about a child's welfare. Available 24 hours.
• Gingerbread — advice and support specifically for single parents. Their helpline and online community offer practical guidance on everything from benefits to emotional wellbeing.
• Family Lives — 0808 800 2222. A helpline for any family issue, including separation and its impact on children.
• Relate — offers family counselling and support for children affected by relationship breakdown.
• Young Minds Parent Helpline — 0808 802 5544. Specifically for parents worried about a child or young person's mental health. Available Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm.

Your child does not need you to be perfect. They need you to be present, consistent, and willing to put their emotional needs ahead of the conflict. That is not always easy. Some days it will feel impossible. But every time you bite your tongue instead of bad-mouthing, keep a goodbye cheerful instead of tearful, or sit with their sadness instead of trying to explain it away, you are giving them exactly what they need to come through this.